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The Wisdom of Hollywood: A Trilogy

Chatper 1: The hungry little princess

Once upon a time there was a lovely little country called Heverly Bills. In this country grew an abundant supply of the Publisitee tree. Now, the people in other parts of the world were content to dine on the vegetation from Felicitee bushes; they didn’t have much of a taste for Publisitee. In fact, they noticed that it seemed to have a bad effect on those that got too much of it. For example, once a person tasted the fruit of the Publisitee tree, they couldn’t seem to get enough of it.

The people of Heverly Bills believed themselves to be the finest people in the world because they feasted on their Publisitee while people in other parts of the world subsisted on Felisitee, “How neat we are,” they thought. “We must be the neatest people in the whole world. Aren’t we neat?” they would say. They tried not to think of what might happen if their supply of Publisitee ran out.

Then one day a terrible thing happened. One day a pretty little girl named Lessica Jange woke up and realized that she was no longer getting any Publisitee. Lessica did not know what ever she was going to do. “Oh,” she wailed, “What ever am I going to do?”

Finally, Lessica remembered that she had a phone. Because the phone hadn’t rung in so long, and because she wasn’t the brightest of little girls, she had completely forgotten that she could use her phone to call out. So Lessica called her little friend Alec and her little friend Barbra and asked them “What ever shall I do?”

It seems that little Alec and little Barbra had also run out of Publisitee some time ago. At that time Lessica didn’t realize she wasn’t getting her share of Publisitee, so she hadn’t paid any attention, but now she was desperately in need of their help.

“Oh little Alec and little Barbra, what ever shall I do?" she sobbed. "How can I get some more Publisitee?”

Alec and Barbra explained that it was a simple agricultural matter of fertilizer. All Lessica needed to do was to spread around enough fertilizer and some Publisitee would come back. As long as you could keep spewing out the fertilizer you could keep a meager supply of Publisitee coming your way.

They secret was, they said, that once your Publisitee tree went bare, you had to concentrate on spewing your fertilizer toward the Bushes.

Chapter 2: A day with Barbra

So I’m driving around with Barbra Streisand ‘cause we’re looking for Penny Brown, that missing girl that we heard about over the internet, and I tell her how impressed I am that she’s looking for this child, being a big star and all that, and she says that, well, it’s not entirely altruistic because Bill Gates is going to give us $35 for every single person we asked about it, but then she hurries up and says that she’s going to use her money to help get more e-mails forwarded to the little boy that’s dying of cancer ‘cause like Shakespeare said “Beware the man who goes to Las Vegas and meets the woman that he doesn’t know for he may end up in ice in the bathtub with a sign writ upon the mirror in lipstick which sayeth call thee 9-11 for thy kidneys are gone” and if the little boy can’t use it because he already forwarded his e-mail to 11 people and now has all the happiness he needs then she’s going to give her share to that poor Ambassador of Algervania who just needs to use her bank account for one year to hide his millions from the new evil dictator, when all of a sudden we see a car coming the other way without its headlights on and I’m about to flash my lights and she grabs me and says that it’s a gang initiation stunt and if I do they’ll shoot us.

Imagine, after so many years, certain Hollywood celebrities still stay stupid.

Chapter 3:
Transcript of address given at the 194th annual meeting of the Vast Right-wing conspiracy
Confidential, Classified: Top Secret

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the opening of the one hundred ninety-fourth annual convention of the great and protective order of the Vast Right-wing Conspiracy.

(Audience chants: "Long live the vast conspiracy!").

We hope you are enjoying your meal and the wonderful displays in the lobby. We'd just like to take a minute to thank all the people behind the scenes who've put together the meal and taken care of the decorations and the arrangements for the seminars you'll be attending. Let's give them all a big hand, shall we?


Just a couple of quick notes: the workshop on "Anagrams on Stephanopolous" has been moved to room 145. That's the auditorium right down this hall. Oh, and tomorrow's workshop on "Great Liberal Minds from History" has been cancelled.

(Audience: "Aaaaaw!")

It seems that someone took the great liberal mind from the refrigerator where it was stored. Oh, that reminds me, If you were served cauliflower tonight, don't eat it.
Anyway, Barbra Streisand has graciously agreed to fill in with a last minute seminar on "Propagating Internet Hoaxes."

Now, the first order of business is to welcome our new members. It gives me great pleasure to present the newest member of the Vast Right-wing Conspiracy . . .

(Audience chants: "Long live the vast conspiracy!")

Ms. Jessica Lange!


Ms. Lange has recently joined our distinguished list of celebrity members who further our work by vociferously pretending to espouse ridiculous viewpoints. Let's watch a quick video clip of Ms. Lange's performance last month in Spain. Could I have the house lights lowered please?

Audio: " . . . thank you for allowing me to get out of the U.S. for a few days. It makes me feel ashamed to come from the United States -- it is humiliating. I hate Bush. I despise him and his entire administration -- Bush stole the elections and since then we have all been suffering the consequences," 

(Loud laughter, then thunderous applause)

Ms. Lange has lots of time available to work for us now that her movie career is over. She joins a growing list of very courageous members of the Vast Right-wing Conspiracy . . .

(Audience chants: "Long live the vast conspiracy!")

. . . members who sacrifice their very dignity, making fools of themselves in public to expose the ludicrousness of the liberal viewpoint. I'm sure you've heard about our dear sister member, Hollywood hatemonger and former presidential mistress Barbra Streisand, who cut deeply into the already shredded enemy credibility when she read a bogus "Shakespeare" quote that has been making the rounds on the internet. We are deeply indebted to Ms. Streisand for pushing the edge of the envelope pretending to be so stupid. This is one of my favorites from her diatribe: "Imagine, after 400 years - certain simple truths still ring clear".

(Laughter and applause)

Imagine, after 400 years, certain simple hoaxes still fool the masses. I wonder if Shakespeare supposedly wrote those lines before or after Clinton bombed Iraq to distract the media from his affairs with young interns. 

(Light laughter) 

Thanks to efforts of these and others, the thinking liberal should be . . .

(Audience laughs)

Oh, geez, that's hilarious. Did I really use "thinking" and "liberal" in the same sentence? Let's make that, "liberals everywhere" should be cringing every time anyone with a Beverly Hills ZIP code opens their mouth.

And speaking of Beverly Hills, our fine brother member Alec Baldwin expresses his thanks for our continued support and protection. You recall his over-the-top outburst on Late Night with Conan O'Brien where he said: 'If we were living in another country, what we, all of us together, would [do is] go down to Washington and stone Henry Hyde to death -- stone him to death! Then we would go to his house and we'd kill the family, kill the children.' 

Now that was a great blow to the liberal cause, associating . . .


. . . associating them with terrorism like it did. But it also left our good brother Alec vulnerable. You see, there's the danger of retaliation against Baldwin. Not from us. That wouldn't further our cause, you see. But our intelligence division reports that the enemy, in spite of its severe intellectual disadvantage, is slowly awakening to this great truth: the extremists of any position work for the other side. So some small danger still exists that the liberals will try to take out some of our best members--the ones doing the most good by pretending to be liberals. They do this by posing as whacked out people pretending to be right-wing advocates. Consequently, our credibility is undermined if they can associate us with those people.

Hey, it's a conspiracy. No one promised it wouldn't be confusing. But thanks for your continued dues, part of which goes to the protection of brother member Baldwin and others who hang it way out there like he does.

And on a more personal note, Jessica Lange wants me to pass along a note of appreciation to brother Baldwin for his fine coaching in the art of hatemongering.


Okay, moving along to conspiracy business . . .

Frank Leany

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