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The Need for a Standard
Everyone knows that liberals are nuts. But it wasn't until the advent of the
"Misery Index" brought about by the policies of the Carter administration that
someone hit upon the idea of quantifying liberal madness.
In 1978 Dr. Dwayne deTubbe developed a scale that became the acid test for
liberal insanity. It was an acid test in the literal sense because its
logarithmic scale represented the total quarts of acid that someone would
have to have dropped in the 60s in order for a given liberal viewpoint
to make any sense. Dr. deTubbe discovered that this number also corresponded
to the total cubic feet of model airplane glue fumes that a person would have
to sniff to be fooled by the liberal position at issue.
Finally the world had the answer to the perennial question: "How crazy is
Typically the results were represented within the industry by a syringe
with a logarithmic scale displayed next to the person or situation in
question like this:
At the time the measurement was arrived at through an educated analysis based
on behavioral patterns, since no known scientific means of measuring the
condition existed. While still useful, the number varied from analyst to
analyst and represented just a ballpark figure.
Instrumentation pioneer I.M. Dwouning was troubled by this lack of precision.
During the early 1990s, Dr. Dwouning experimented with various devices in an
effort to physically measure the madness that Dr. deTubbe's scale quantified.
Dr. Dwouning built many ineffective prototypes until he finally hit upon an
I.M. Dwouning got the idea from the fact that a distorted view is
required to believe the liberal position.
He combined a series of distorting lenses together
in such a fashion that turning them in the right combination would bring the
distorted view into focus. At that point the position of the lenses would give
a direct reading of the lunacy being measured.
He built a device that worked perfectly. Having thus fulfilled his engineering
goal, Dr. Dwouning moved on to other projects without giving any more thought
to further development of his contraption.
The market success of the device was waiting on a surprise development in
A Renewed Need
In the early spring of 1999 the medical community was astonished to discover
that democratic dementia is an actual medical condition (just like sexual
addiction to minor interns) which leaves identifiable physiological traces.
Because its main symptom is diminished brain capacity, these traces were
dubbed "Libotomy scars," although they don't leave a mark that is visible
to the naked eye.
A new scale quickly emerged relating liberal lunacy to the length of
lobotomy scar required to remove enough brain to get you to buy the
liberal viewpoint. The advent of the new scale and the awareness of a
measurable medical condition caused a renewed interest in the topic.
During the 2000 election The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Inc. approached Dr.
Dwouning to develop a commercially viable version of his gadget. The
idea appealed to the aging inventor's sense of legacy. Many Americans
were obviously very confused and society could benefit greatly from the
data his device would yield.
Dr. Dwouning incorporated the libotomy scar concept into his optical
through-the-lens metering system and came up with an accurate device
that anyone could use.
This is a rare picture of an early prototype of Dr. Dwouning's instrument.
The user looks through this device at a political position or character
he wishes to measure. He adjusts the device until the position makes sense.
At that point the scale displays the insanity level being measured. In
keeping with the prevailing scale at the time, the Libotometer 2000 reading
relates to the size of lobotomy scar a person would have to have to buy into
the position being viewed.
Sadly, I.M. Dwouning perished in an unfortunate bathing mishap without
seeing his invention achieve commercial success. But like any good idea,
his could not be stopped from blossoming.
A New Application
The project was picked up by Dr. Heywood U. Lukadat, a physician at St.
Ronald's Medical Center. Building on the work of Dwayne deTubbe, I.M.
Dwouning, and others, Dr. Lukadat refined the design and integrated
solid state electronics with the intent of applying the apparatus to the
(The case illustrated is interesting because the first
time it was tested it registered quite low. After a time the gauge
started creeping up. Now every time it's measured the needle registers a
little higher, demonstrating the accuracy and usefulness of the machine.)
The main markets at first were industrial applications like hospitals
because the early models were expensive and tricky to use. For example,
a direct reading of John Kerry spouting his bilge about how "American
soldiers are terrorists breaking into houses in the dark of the night"
might register much lower than expected in the hands of a novice user.
Because the machine is so complex, results can be clouded by what
industry experts call the "Smack-down factor." That's when the machine
tunes out the input before getting a good reading because the whiny,
sniveling tone of voice just makes you want to smack the guy around
regardless of what he might be saying. A trained technician is required
to filter those elements out with a careful adjustment of the squelch.
The main attraction of the sophisticated Lukadat version was the use
of the variety of scales that had been developed to measure democratic
dementia. With the incorporation of solid state electronics,
the following scales were easily read directly off the commercial
A-scale: The classic Dwayne deTubbe scale representing how much acid
you'd have to drop to buy into the position. Also correlates to the
G-scale, for the total cubic feet of airplane glue fumes you'd have
to sniff. Applying a simple modulus will convert this into the Botox
index for democratic insanity as well.
M-scale: The number of martinis you'd have to ingest for the liberal
viewpoint to make sense. Corresponds roughly to the distance in inches
you'd have to have your head up a dark and unsanitary place to think the
liberal viewpoint makes sense.
DD-scale: The bra size a person explaining the particular liberal position
would have to have before you'd say "Sure, I'll buy that."
T-scale: Total annual mass of tin foil hats (in lbs.) you go through
if you believe the crap you're hearing.
R scale: Total number of minutes your head would have to be in the
Chernobyl reactor core before the liberal position seems logical.
L-scale: Length in inches of the lobotomy scar you'd have to have to
S-scale: Distance in yards you have to be away from the source to
tolerate the stench of it.
pH-scale: Inverse Phil Hendrie clue-in time. This reading is the inverse
of the number of hours a new Phil Hendrie listener could listen to this
position without cluing in to the fact it's bogus. For example, a
reading of 15 means that in 4 minutes (1/15 hour) the most clueless
Phil Hendrie listener would discard the philosophy as junk.
A Libotometer for Everyman
In time, market forces prevailed, as they do. Democrat Watchers were
thrilled in 2005 when the consumer grade version of this ingenious device
Combining the simplicity of the Dwouning version and the sophistication
of the Lukadat device, the Libometer LT is easy to use and accurate. The
observer simply looks at the issue through the viewer, then turns the
distortion lens to the left until it makes sense. When the view is
distorted to the left far enough to make the subject clear, the
libotometer scale directly displays the accurate reading.
View the Libotometer LT ad.
Charts are available to convert the raw readings from the left-twisted
distortion dial into various popular scales.
Unlike other scars (lobotomy scars for example), libotomy scars can't be
seen with the naked eye (even though their effects can't be hidden).
Following the success of the Libotometer, Dr.
Ludakat made the next logical step and developed a machine to view and
the physiological traces that liberal lunacy leaves. His apparatus
scans the patient's head with ultraviolet light filtered through a
polarizing lens made from an unobtanium alloy. St. Ronald's Medical Center
is one of the few hospitals in the country that can scan these scars and
produce actual photographs.
Thanks to the efforts of Dr. Lukadat (and the Freedom of Information statutes)
many people are seeing for the first time the root cause of the previously
inexplicable behavior of a lot of public figures. These data are stored in
the medical files which I have been able to get access to in the SRMC archives.
As a public service I am passing these files along to you, the
general public, so that you can be more informed about some of the handicaps
that are crippling these people who make decisions about our lives.
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